Trust me I'm not falling
L'appel du vide
โI could study you for a lifetime, carrying all of your peculiarities and discretions in the webs of my spidery palms, and still feel empty-handed.โ - Alone with you in the ether, Olivie Blake
โI know Iโve only felt religion when Iโve lied with youโ - Colors, Halsey
โIf you canโt feel anything...then Iโll feel everything for the both of usโ - The Haunting of Bly Manor
Donโt search for my pulse, itโs nothing but a small echo inside a beautiful corpse. What use is a heartbeat when every emotion threatens to make you fall apart ? Can you even call yourself alive when you forbid yourself to feel ?
Holding myself together takes everything I have and even my breakdowns are measured in a cup. Each time I lose tiny pieces and burn a little less, but itโs not like anyone can see the difference.
I wake up numb. I move and Iโm numb. I speak, I smile, I touch and Iโm numb. I tell myself itโs a relief, at least thereโs no pain, so why am I still waiting for CPR ?
Everyone looks so comfortable around my vacant shell, reducing me to nothing more than a nonchalant shrug. โThatโs just who she isโ they all say, but youโve never settled for easy explanations.
You see.
Your gentle scrutiny eases the tension in my shoulders like a caress, a match thrown in my dying fire. I can feel you safely holding me between your eyes, lightening the load and refusing to let me disappear inside myself. But trust me, Iโm not falling.
Their only expectations of me are greedy, continuously teaching me everything love isnโt as they peel my petals, not once realizing (or caring) that Iโm just a poppy quickly withering in their selfish hands.
But youโฆ youโve elevated your tender study of me to a science, the impossible problem youโll never stop thinking about or even solve.
I donโt know all of me and perhaps I never will, but my strangeness needs no justification around you, just the breathing room I couldnโt give myself. You donโt hope me but witness me as I am, patiently waiting in front of the gates I locked twice without demanding the key.
This is our little game now, you let me squirm under your observations and pretend I canโt take it, when the mirror you hold in front of my soul is the only one that feels close to the truth of me. But trust me, Iโm not falling.
I know you can accept that there are things I canโt accept yet, even as I feel the flames spread inside my organs. My lethargic heart stutters, ready to take a leap of faith, and the sudden bravery is a welcome surprise. No, itโs more than that. My sigh of relief opens a new door inside me, your name engraved on the handle with care.
The walls of this room are full of stars I trace with my fingertips, brushing the constellation of us less cautiously than Iโm used to. I look down at the invisible line I keep drawing in every space I occupy, used to keeping myself in the boring middle, but this time I feel like wandering closer to the edge.
I act like I donโt understand whatโs pushing me forward, but I need a few more lies to keep my courage.
I donโt think about you at all, but my lungs move like twins of yours now.
I donโt think about you at all, but the mental image Iโve drawn of you is so exquisite I barely dare to touch it, and yet Iโm sure our limbs intertwined would make a real work of art if we let them.
I donโt think about you at all, but your rough edges fit perfectly against mine.
but your suffering overshadows everything else, and Iโve made it my lifeโs mission to erase it one lingering kiss at a time
but youโve build a world of wonder from scratches, and made the ordinary glow in your hands
but sometimes I donโt understand you and you donโt understand me and itโs ok, itโs ok because itโs you and me, and what is that if not faith ?
butโ
My electrocardiogram briefly panics and the ground gives way beneath my feet, or maybe itโs just me finally answering the call of our void.
Your hand finds mine
a shared smile
at last
we fall together.
Give me a little push to move forward :
Thanks for reading me,
Marie.
Similar posts :
Marie Marie Marie!!!! This is insaneeee!!!! Iโm convinced youโre on a first-name basis with the stars, for I canโt think of how else this masterpiece came to be, itโs like you carry constellations within and through your words, you let us witness a few stars and they never stop burning, for even in your emptiness and pain, you find stardust in the corners of rooms and details of situations that wouldโve otherwise been overlooked and aaaahh I love this!! โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ
Marie!! This is one of the most fascinating pieces I have read since joining Substack. It evoked the same feelings that Halsey evokes in me through her music, insane!!! I felt every word in my bones and immersed myself in your fantastic brain!!! โฅ๏ธ